Loved it. You have a great voice, and some of the lines are a crack up – the whole ‘I can’t believe we came from the same tank” thing is a favourite. The ending is poignant and crisp with implications.
In terms of characterisation, I think you could make Ragi more conflicted from the start, get that conflict set up so you can deal with it when they come across the display case.
I might also suggest you try it particularly from one brother’s point of view. Not his voice – your third person is seamless and great to read – but offering the story from Ven’s perspective would let Ragi’s feelings simmer below the surface and be interpreted by Ven. Conversely, if you did from Ragi’s POV, then what he thinks about Ven – the older brother syndrome, jealousy, love = hate etc – could provide a solid counter to Ragi’s desire for more.
All in all, though, a great piece and very enjoyable – especially since you didn’t waste it by revealing they were on our moon.
Thanks Luke. I was waiting for everyone else to jump in before replying but I guess you’re it!
I think you’ve made some good points. I especially like the one about making Ragi more conflicted from the start. That’s definitely in the re-write. I might also try it from a single POV – I can see how that would work but my natural tendency is to jump around from POV to POV stripping all my characters naked, as it were.
You’re pretty good at this critiqueing thing. You should take it up professionally.
Graham
Loved it. You have a great voice, and some of the lines are a crack up – the whole ‘I can’t believe we came from the same tank” thing is a favourite. The ending is poignant and crisp with implications.
In terms of characterisation, I think you could make Ragi more conflicted from the start, get that conflict set up so you can deal with it when they come across the display case.
I might also suggest you try it particularly from one brother’s point of view. Not his voice – your third person is seamless and great to read – but offering the story from Ven’s perspective would let Ragi’s feelings simmer below the surface and be interpreted by Ven. Conversely, if you did from Ragi’s POV, then what he thinks about Ven – the older brother syndrome, jealousy, love = hate etc – could provide a solid counter to Ragi’s desire for more.
All in all, though, a great piece and very enjoyable – especially since you didn’t waste it by revealing they were on our moon.
Luke
Thanks Luke. I was waiting for everyone else to jump in before replying but I guess you’re it!
I think you’ve made some good points. I especially like the one about making Ragi more conflicted from the start. That’s definitely in the re-write. I might also try it from a single POV – I can see how that would work but my natural tendency is to jump around from POV to POV stripping all my characters naked, as it were.
You’re pretty good at this critiqueing thing. You should take it up professionally.